Life is how we perceive it to be ...

CHRISTMAS EVE
We had a beautiful roast lamb dinner with Andrew's superb sticky date pudding and ice cream for dessert. We talked about the Christmas story and we opened all the presents! We sang some carols, the kids went to bed and we continued to sing carols and chat. A relaxing night.

CHRISTMAS DAY
The phone rings at 3.30am. At first I think I am dreaming and then I hear my husband stir. There is silence for a few minutes and then his sleepy voice says "Jan, I have to go to Carlingford, the nativity is on fire." He's gone within minutes and I am restless for the remainder of my sleep. I was glad we opened presents the night before. I get up and get the kids and I ready for church and sit in the meeting feeling lost without him as everyone else is sitting with their families on Christmas day. At least mum is with me.

We get home at 11am, and he is finally home. His sister and mum have brought over gifts for the kids. I make him bacon and eggs while he showers and we sit down and enjoy the kids unwrapping their presents. I look at Andrew, his entire face is drawn, his eyes tired. I want to feel angry at the arsenist who took my husband from me Christmas morning but I can't. I just feel sorry for them, sorry that they are filled with so much hate. It's hard to understand.

Adam comes over for lunch with the kids and Andrew is wilting. All he wants to do is go to bed, but he socialises, he smiles, he laughs, he helps with the kids. Man, I  love him! He is so strong, he is my rock, my sheltering willow tree. Guess that's why it's so hard not to have him around.

NEW YEAR'S PUBLIC HOLIDAY
We all get some flu bug going around and don't do much else but sleep and try to recover. Andrew is back at work the next day and he won't have another holiday until the end of 2012. It seems whenever we have a long weekend either the kids or one of us gets sick ... I struggle with feelings of frustration at this because we barely get time together but then what's the point - you can't change what you can't control.

ANXIOUS
I am. His job is stressful. He seems burnt out. He seems despairing. I offer suggestions, nothing fits. I feel fear ebbing at the outside of history repeating. I rely on him so much. The baby is due soon. He is tired already. He is leaving a week after she is due for a training seminar in NZ. I am trying to tell myself I'll be OK and I'll get through and I am strong enough to handle it on my own. I also feel that insistent fear of the unknown, but I keep trying to turn it around and tell myself we'll get through.

CONCLUSION
I think if I look outwardly at the people around me, my husband, my children, my mum, my in-laws, and just give love and serve them, my worries will melt away and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.