The Greatest PARADOX

We finally made it toShoal Bay for our weekend away. It was peaceful and enjoyable. We had smorgasboard breakfasts each morning and walks on the beach. We went dolphin watching and floated around in the aqua spas, taking crazy photos with our waterproof camera. It was a ton of fun.

 The accomodation was immaculate and modern and we loved staying there, our only gripe was the bed was too small and too hard, but then again, we've been spoilt. Our bed at home is a king size with a soft top - cloud like yes. We talked heaps, relaxed heaps, ate heaps (too much lol) but we missed the kids after all that - how could we not. As much as they are hard work they are part of our life now and it is not the same without them.

I experienced a half hour massage and while it was nice, I find Andrew's back rubs far more soothing. Husband whom I love and trust vs complete stranger and my naked body ... hmmm?

I received sad news while I was away. My friend Lauren, who was two weeks behind me with her pregnancy had gone into labour. Her waters broke and she got an infection. The baby wouldn't survive and Lauren's life was at some risk also. I broke down in tears, couldn't explain to Andrew why as I was too upset. She wanted this baby so badly.

Lauren can't conceive naturally, she has to go through lots of tests, needles and money in order to conceive. She sacrificed so much to have her. I spoke to her a week before, said we ought to work on our friendship considering our girls were going to be friends. We were excited to be going through the same process, it drew us closer. She is such a giving person, a good mum, I couldn't even comprehend the heartache she must feel. But I cry everytime I think about it.

I guess what gets me the most is that three of my friends have conceived close to me. All three have lost their bubs. All three are good mothers who really wanted their babies. Me - I fall pregnant after a month of trying. I have awful morning sickness but aside from that my pregnancies go without a hitch. The babies are healthy. There's no complications and I am ungrateful. I whinge, bitch and complain about the discomfort, the sickness, the moods but hey - my baby is OK.

During morning sickness I could of cared less if I lost the baby you know, it would have been a relief. And then  there's Lauren, hoping against all hope that the fertilised egg would stick to her uterus. I regretted the decision to have another one. She anticipated the new addition to her family with great enthusiasm. And yet, she is the one who has the most trouble, she is the one who is losing her baby whereas me - ungrateful, spiteful old me could have cared less.

Now, it's different. I feel connected to the child. I don't want to lose her. But when I heard of Lauren's tragedy,  I got on my knees and prayed that I could take her place because I guess it wouldn't hurt me as much. That night I got terrible stomach cramps and I thought it was happening, but it turns out it was just some bad fish.

I guess in those hours I realised what I gift I have in being able to have this child without complications. How blessed I am to have that ability. I realised I am looking forward to this new addition to our family. I realised too that everyone's trials are different. It's a paradox, but at the heart of it all it bears a unique purpose for that certain individual, even unfair it seems.

Last night Charlize wanted me to sing her some lullabies before she went to sleep. As I was singing to her, the sweet words and melody soothing my girl, my thoughts strayed to Lauren in pain, labouring, hoping to bring her lifeless bub into the world and it made me sing stronger, as though my lullaby could reach her, soothe her as well as soothe my daughter and I must admit ... me.

It's been three days now and the infection is stabilised enough that they are willing to operate and put an end to the suffering for them both and all their loved ones hanging on in hope. I wish I had the power to fix it. I feel sad for their loss. I feel sad that my bubby will miss out on growing up with this little baby. They came down together. They would have known each other in the life before. In a way I feel a connection to her because of this. It makes me cry. But I guess she was too good for this world, too pure, too wonderful.

Lauren named her Sylvie Hope. Little one, this is in memory of you. I'm so sad to see you go,  but I understand what a gift your short life will bring to all of us in some way. Thank you for reminding me that what I have is precious. Good bye little one, I will strive to be a solid, loyal friend to your beautiful mama and maybe, in some way, my little one will help her heal when she comes. There is nothing more beautiful than a new life. We'll see you again, one day, we'll see you again.