Dr Smith

Today I had my first session with Dr Sandra Smith in regards to my postnatal depression. She spent two hours with me basically going over the history of my life. When I spoke about my PND experience I broke down, it's still very raw - a horrible experience and I still find it hard to talk about without cracking up.

She was disappointed with the lack of support I'd received. Since having PND I have noticed that many people are uncomfortable with mental illness. I've reached out for help and indirectly been shunned because those I've spoken to don't understand it and therefore fear it. They don't know what to do or say so they'd rather avoid the subject or the person. It's these kinds of attitudes that increase the condition and make the person who already feels crazy hopeless and alone - not a good combination for someone who's mentally unstable. Those kinds of attitudes can assist in a person's decision to suicide.

Dr Smith suggested I have hypnotherapy. I wasn't too keen on the concept. I feel you're cheating/tricking yourself and not really dealing with the issue and learning life skills to overcome the problem. She told me a recent study showed that 89% of women have violent thoughts towards their children. 89%!!!!

So does that mean that we don't have a mental illness although it's labelled as that because it's not socially acceptable for a mother to be that way? If 89% of women have these thoughts does that mean most women suffer from PND but don't realise it or is it normal to have those angry feelings sometimes? Is it just that motherhood is hard and if you don't have coping mechanisms or ways of recognising what you need, for example, time out, a massage etc. that you blow your top with frustration and kids unfortunately get the brunt of it as unfair as it is to them?

In some cases, people need medical intervention to balance their chemical imbalance, but the majority of cases probably could be treated with counselling and group therapy and having a decent support network if 89% of women struggle with their feelings of anger and frustration towards their kids.

Let's face it. Motherhood is selfless and hard. It requires so much of us in all aspects physically, emotionally etc.  But it is supposed to be the most joyous part of our life (so they say). So why are 89% of women struggling with this joyous experience?

I think we lack honesty with eachother. I think we're good at putting on the perfect image. I think we are scared of our own failings and others' in the area that women are supposed to do well and naturally. I think we have a lack of support within the community of mothers. Society expects us to work. But they want us to have kids too. I don't think they make it easy for us. They ask too much. I think being a mother is undervalued in society yet they want babies to keep it plugging along but don't really support it. They support going to work and putting your kids in centres so they can have a better economy. But what about better families? What about stronger women? What about stronger mothers and marriages? What about decreasing the pressure and expectation placed on our shoulders?

89% is a high statistic of women having violent thoughts towards their children, don't you think? There's something amiss, I think. The children who are affected by mothers finding it difficult to cope are our future. Dr Smith said my kids are affected by the PND stint, but it can be rectified, it can be fixed. I just wish my kids weren't affected at all by my problem, but how can they not be? I'm their mother.

So now it's healing time. This experience should be better than the last as I will have better professional support but it comes at a price. However, if it improves the future of my kids and myself, what's money? I'm still not sure on the hypnotism and if their is anyone out there who knows about it I'm all ears.

Dr Smith said hypnotism will help me change negative learned behaviours, help me cope well and relax with the agony of labour, and help me avoid the road of PND after the baby is born. I can see the benefits and if it's in a controlled environment, for medicinal purposes, it might be OK. But I wonder if I am really better or if its an illusion of something I don't really believe? Then it would be a lie and the problem still there. I am not certain, but I haven't completely disregarded it because the results are wanted.

I want to have a different perspective on some aspects of my life because then I will feel happier and more fulfilled. I want to be able to have a positive birth experiencce that I can empower myself through without epidurals. But shouldn't I learn how instead of having someone change my brain function? I asked Dr Smith and she said - "You don't have to suffer."

Isn't suffering part of the butterfly experience? You've got to struggle through the tight confines of what binds you to strengthen you to fly.