My Utopia

A plot of land - 3 to 5 acres.

Two Japanese maples to greet people at the entrance of the driveway.

A house with lots of light, space and verandahs. Windchimes. Solar panels, gas heating and cooking, water tanks.

A dog, like the one we left behind when mum and dad split. Fish tanks. Birds that are tamed and eat from your hand and sit on your shoulder. A russian blue cat.

Fruit trees, olive, orange, lemon, apple. An annual vegetable garden and herbs. Strawberries and raspberries. A worm farm. A koi pond. Chickens. Ducks.

An art studio. A shed for Andy to tinker with old cars.

Andrew, running projects from home. Relaxed, laughing, embracing, enjoying, wearing jeans and a hoodie with bare feet. Planning our next camping trip.

Me, writing, painting, creating, earning, peaceful, focused.

The kids, at home, at peace, growing, learning, loving, being creative, safe, trusting and belonging.

My utopia.

SUCCESS

SO I put a manuscript in to PENGUIN for a kids book. They say it takes up to three months before they can reply and if you don't get a reply in those three months they are not interested. So I am waiting. I am also working on two other children's book ideas and will be posting them off to other publishing houses to try my luck. It's very competitive, I don't expect instant success but I am hoping.

My dream is that I write and illustrate books enough to bring in a good income and keep Andrew home with me to be my slave ... the kind I'll leave up to your imagination ;). But it has given such an incentive! I am painting and writing and taking risks with my creativity that I have only thought of but never actually attempted.

I think ... why did it take me so long? The truth ... I thought I would be discovered. Someone would go - "Oh my gosh you are so incredible, you're hired!" Vain much? I know I know, but when you get told you're so talented, you'll be famous one day, you're the best ... it kind of goes to your head. Then you get lazy. Then you get false expectations. Then you end up with a lot of talent and nothing to show for it. You've got to get out there. So I am.

The other part was fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of succeeding too! I have visions of my interview with Oprah when my novel is a success - yes, I visualise that far! But it fills me with butterflies of all kinds.

But you know what - I don't mind so much now because I have a reason to succeed. My husband. My utopia.

Long Days

Have you ever been in a room with hundreds of people and felt isolated and alone? Being a mum is like that sometimes. It's just you and your kids, your kids and you, you and your kids.

I've been feeling isolated lately. Lonely. Inadequate. Tired. My closest friend is my husband but money pays bills so someone has to provide. He wishes he could stay home but unless we win the lotto that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. He works long hours and I don't think I'm the only married woman with kids who has a husband she hardly sees.

Life, the way society is set up means they have to work these long hours so that we can keep up with the expense and get ahead somewhat. In turn, if the mother isn't working also and putting her kids in care (in order to pay mortgage and credit card and debt upon debt), those who remain home with their kids are alone for long hours of the day.

So why aren't we more involved with eachother? Why are their women who live 5 minutes from each other or right next door, sitting in their homes with their children around them feeling depressed because they have no support other than their husband who is doing what he can to provide for them, or single mums who have no support.

This consumer society I see has created a few problems. One being the easiness of getting what we want now now now and not saving up and managing finances better. We get a credit card, we buy what we want, we spend the next ten - twenty years paying it off with interest and then some. We put our hand out for a loan for cars and houses and then we slave away for the rest of our life paying it off.

This means mums work as well as dads so they can keep their heads above water and the  kids go to childcare. Less mums are home with their babies, leaving the ones who are a minority. The other thing I see is people need jobs to survive so they move where the work is which means a greater divide between families. My sisters are in Tasmania. My mum is in America. My brothers are in Queensland. I am alone in NSW. It means I have to lean on the strength and support of strangers in order to avoid loneliness and going crazy.

One of the biggest reasons I got PND with Noah was because I was isolated. I needed support and I didn't have it accessible except maybe once a week if that when my sisters could spare me some of their time. Now I see the pattern repeating. I have a baby. I'm home alot with the baby because she is young and needs regular sleeps. I don't get visits. No one calls me to ask me how my day is. Just me and the kids. I try with others. If I don't it doesn't happen.

So I am lonely. I am feeling a bit down. Life isn't as bad as it seems right now but I am sick of the fight of trying to create a support network and getting nowhere. I think I will try some more playgroups and find one that fits. But I think the way life is set up at the moment for families sucks.

Peace

She was born on February 10th 2012. She was beautiful. She has brought light and love into my heart again and has helped me heal. She is my baby girl,Chloe Megumi Morgan.

Her name means Blossoming Grace/ Little shoot, pure blessing. And she is.

The labour did not go as planned. I got induced a week early. I had an epidural. I reacted to the anisetic. Eleven hours and two pushes later, she came quietly and laughter surrounded her emergence into the world.

How have I been? Unusually calm, maybe it was the euphoria - nonetheless calm ... feeling capable and confident as a mother,being kinder, more nurturing to my other kids. I still have my screaming moments ... I guess that's just part of being a mum, but I'm better than I was so that has got to count for something.

I believe the hypnotherapy helped me believe I could, I can, I am a capable and loving parent, that life is precious, that these moments are fleeting, that I'm a survivor, that I deserve a pat on the back, I am strong, I am powerful.

Life is how we perceive it to be ...

CHRISTMAS EVE
We had a beautiful roast lamb dinner with Andrew's superb sticky date pudding and ice cream for dessert. We talked about the Christmas story and we opened all the presents! We sang some carols, the kids went to bed and we continued to sing carols and chat. A relaxing night.

CHRISTMAS DAY
The phone rings at 3.30am. At first I think I am dreaming and then I hear my husband stir. There is silence for a few minutes and then his sleepy voice says "Jan, I have to go to Carlingford, the nativity is on fire." He's gone within minutes and I am restless for the remainder of my sleep. I was glad we opened presents the night before. I get up and get the kids and I ready for church and sit in the meeting feeling lost without him as everyone else is sitting with their families on Christmas day. At least mum is with me.

We get home at 11am, and he is finally home. His sister and mum have brought over gifts for the kids. I make him bacon and eggs while he showers and we sit down and enjoy the kids unwrapping their presents. I look at Andrew, his entire face is drawn, his eyes tired. I want to feel angry at the arsenist who took my husband from me Christmas morning but I can't. I just feel sorry for them, sorry that they are filled with so much hate. It's hard to understand.

Adam comes over for lunch with the kids and Andrew is wilting. All he wants to do is go to bed, but he socialises, he smiles, he laughs, he helps with the kids. Man, I  love him! He is so strong, he is my rock, my sheltering willow tree. Guess that's why it's so hard not to have him around.

NEW YEAR'S PUBLIC HOLIDAY
We all get some flu bug going around and don't do much else but sleep and try to recover. Andrew is back at work the next day and he won't have another holiday until the end of 2012. It seems whenever we have a long weekend either the kids or one of us gets sick ... I struggle with feelings of frustration at this because we barely get time together but then what's the point - you can't change what you can't control.

ANXIOUS
I am. His job is stressful. He seems burnt out. He seems despairing. I offer suggestions, nothing fits. I feel fear ebbing at the outside of history repeating. I rely on him so much. The baby is due soon. He is tired already. He is leaving a week after she is due for a training seminar in NZ. I am trying to tell myself I'll be OK and I'll get through and I am strong enough to handle it on my own. I also feel that insistent fear of the unknown, but I keep trying to turn it around and tell myself we'll get through.

CONCLUSION
I think if I look outwardly at the people around me, my husband, my children, my mum, my in-laws, and just give love and serve them, my worries will melt away and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Ground Hog Day

While I find the loneliness and the monotony of parenting an insanity provoker I have indulged myself in a few outlets to ward off the men in white coats.

Projects:

• I've been working on this book since Noah was five months old. It came to me as a dream and inspired the idea to put it into a book. Three years running now and I am heading into the final stages of the first draft writing process. Next will be self editing and then passing it on to trusted friends and family for editing and suggestions. I'm pretty excited I'm getting to the end of this stage it's been a long write in between child rearing and the like. It's a supernatural romance, possibly young adult fiction, and will be a trilogy by the end of it all.
• Reading. Currently reading the "hush,hush" series by Becca Fitzpatrick. An entertaining read. Books like this have whisked me away into another world and have helped me through very boring and challenging times in my life.
• Writing and illustrating children's books. I am working on my portfolio for illustration but once again hard to knuckle down when you have little ones to mind. I have ideas for children's books but are waiting in the wings until my big novel is complete.
• Painting. Painting pictures that say something, have an impact and join the Gosford gallery so some can be put on display.

Anyway, life's too short to not follow your dreams and while I whinge about being a mother it was a dream of mine too (just not the PND part lol). Anyway, at the moment, these things are keeping me happy.

Noone Told Me How Lonely it Would Be ...

Here's an average week for me ...

wake up, feed kids,entertain kids, clean house, feed kids, entertain kids, clean house, make lunch, clean up, entertain kids, put on ABC for Kids, make tea, pick up husband, eat tea, husband puts kids to bed, I clean up, kids procrastinate bed, husband and I watch a show or read and go to sleep.

Next day ...
As above.

Day after that...
Kids go to Daycare. I try not to clean up and do something for me like write or draw or paint or hang with a friend.

Day after that day ...
See first two entries.

Day after that day ...
As above.

Weekends...
Cleaning up. Grocery shopping. Catching up with friends sometimes. Family stuff.

Sunday...
Go to church for three hours. TV free day. Shopping free day. Cleaning free day. Sometimes see family. Entertain kids in the afternoon, maybe bake something, have tea, go to bed.

Next day...
Repeat all of the above.

Does that sound familiar to anyone? This week has been hard to deal with. I've been feeling pretty lonely, but in saying that I've contacted people, made some effort, but I know tomorrow is just going to be another lonely day unless I invite people over or plan something with someone. I get sick of making all the effort though. I am 6 months pregnant and low on energy and the heat sucks out what remains. It's easier to stay home but then I get bored and lonely and frustrated and so do the kids. I've looked into playgroups and found they are too expensive and alot of them not really worth it. I miss my old mates - Hannah, Linda, Katrina, Emma .... they were fun, they wanted to hang with me, effort was reciprocated, made me feel important, valued. One of my friends in particular looks fantastic and is always out on the weekends dressing up and having a blast with her friends. I realised I miss that. I love being social and hanging out with friends and having fun and I barely get that these days. Who knew getting married and having children meant being alone? A friend told me we all go through this stage when we have young kids. She even admitted feeling a little depressed over that period in her life. Why don't us mums look out for each other more? Why is the way things are in this community all about battling on your own. It shouldn't be that way. Maybe there would be less depression if we made more effort and took more consideration of each other. As the old African proverb states =

"It takes a community to raise a child."

Where's the community?

I've decided I am going to try and create a community. The thought makes me tired because I know I will have to do it on my own. But I know what I need and would like to have in my life and in my kids life. So I am going to start my own playgroups and every week or fortnight, organise a fun night socialising - whether it's with girls or couples. I just know I need more than one breather a week to help me be a more engaged and joyful mum too.

I was sent a letter the other day from a friend. She told me she couldn't be around me at the moment because it reminds her of what she's lost. We were only a week a part with our pregnancies and she tragically lost hers. While I understand, I also am not sure how to be when I see her next. I want to support her but what do I do. Give her space? Just smile at her from a distance and leave it at that? I will wait until she is ready to instigate the friendship again but until then I am just not sure what to do with myself when we're around each other. I don't want her to feel sad and be reminded of her loss everytime she looks at me. I still think I'm an ungrateful sod and should have been the one to lose the baby, not her. But we all have our trials, some far worse than others.

I respect her courage. I respect her honesty. I pray for her to have the strength to heal... and to mourn. I will miss her friendship for awhile.

Anyway, any other insights or perspectives on all of the above would be appreciated.