I met Margaret on the way home to Sydney. She is an art lover and instantly we delved into discussions on art and the "art" they exhibit these days too. She is studying counselling, volunteers teaching English to Indonesian women and has a strong faith in women and our powerful influence and abilities. She also believes women are too isolated and alone these days. She is very focused on bringing the community together.
I told her about my vision, my concerns, and she gave me some great ideas. Volunteering to work with women who have PND was one of them and using art as a form of relaxation therapy for them was another. She sent me an email suggesting ways to get started. I'm excited for her advice. She also handed me her business card and told me to contact her when I have an art exhibition.
Sometimes, it's strange how a complete stranger becomes the little push or the guiding hand needed. Now we are friends, it only took an hour and a half.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
A Gift
I recently did a portrait of my friend's brother. She wanted it to honour his memory and give it as a gift to her dad. I felt privileged to do the illustration for her. I got sick during the week I was to draw it and wondered if I'd get it done in time, but at the last minute I knuckled down, put a solid three and a half hours into it and had the finished product by midnight.
Drawing a person who has moved on was a unique experience for me. I talked to the photo like he was present and got a real sense of his character, a cheeky, loving guy. He was beautiful to draw, lovely lips, nice eyes. I felt a little hesitant at first you know, I was worried I wouldn't be able to do him justice, but he turned out all right. Once I got started it just flowed.
My friend came and picked it up this morning. When she saw the picture she creed. What an honour. It's moments like these that I am so grateful I have an ability to create things like this for others. I asked her a few questions about him, gathering the impressions I had of him as I was drawing him and I was right, he was cheeky and lovable. She spoke to me about him, kind of grieved a little, I guess touched by the artistic impression and I guess my approach to it. This is why I love being able to do this. Seeing the person you are doing it for reaction, the way their eyes light up or fill with tears. I was grateful she gave me the opportunity to honour his memory too and trust me with something so sacred to her.
It's funny how little doubts gnaw at your head but if you just do it, it's amazing what you can do! I am inspired to continue with my art, and work hard, so I am gathering a group of kids together for art lessons, working on my portfolios and designing a business card. So I think this blog will shift instead to a journal of art instead of a journal of all my short comings. Through this talent, I'll find my self acceptance anyway and connect with others along the way.
Drawing a person who has moved on was a unique experience for me. I talked to the photo like he was present and got a real sense of his character, a cheeky, loving guy. He was beautiful to draw, lovely lips, nice eyes. I felt a little hesitant at first you know, I was worried I wouldn't be able to do him justice, but he turned out all right. Once I got started it just flowed.
My friend came and picked it up this morning. When she saw the picture she creed. What an honour. It's moments like these that I am so grateful I have an ability to create things like this for others. I asked her a few questions about him, gathering the impressions I had of him as I was drawing him and I was right, he was cheeky and lovable. She spoke to me about him, kind of grieved a little, I guess touched by the artistic impression and I guess my approach to it. This is why I love being able to do this. Seeing the person you are doing it for reaction, the way their eyes light up or fill with tears. I was grateful she gave me the opportunity to honour his memory too and trust me with something so sacred to her.
It's funny how little doubts gnaw at your head but if you just do it, it's amazing what you can do! I am inspired to continue with my art, and work hard, so I am gathering a group of kids together for art lessons, working on my portfolios and designing a business card. So I think this blog will shift instead to a journal of art instead of a journal of all my short comings. Through this talent, I'll find my self acceptance anyway and connect with others along the way.
 |
| Pete (Passed away in September 2011) |
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Perfectly Imperfect
I was seriously contemplating deleting this blog. The reason: feeling a little exposed and fear, vulnerability, getting no heart to hearts or feedback from others ... then I discovered this email as I was cleaning out my inbox. I don't know how I missed it, but I did, and only found it now ... I have deleted the name to keep it private ... but it touched my heart ...
"Stumbled upon your blog... just wanted to tell you I love your honesty. It is hard putting words in black and white on a blog. It is different in our journals... but knowing someone out there might read them, puts a whole new perspective on it --- like we have more of a responsibility to be meaningful or something... as I read your words, I felt your heart... the most important part...
It seems you must be LDS because of a comment about "no-TV Sundays" and "No chore Sundays" --- if you are not, I apologize... but a lot of "church" women (I am LDS) struggle with motherhood... we strive for perfection... we want the Spirit to give us strength to have the perfect Family Home Evenings... the perfect family meals... and alone in our closets - the only place we can find peace... we cry as we pray and fall apart...
I wish more women would admit that they are struggling... I fell into a deep dark gambling cavern... and now I am basically inactive... yet my testimony is still burning strong...
"Stumbled upon your blog... just wanted to tell you I love your honesty. It is hard putting words in black and white on a blog. It is different in our journals... but knowing someone out there might read them, puts a whole new perspective on it --- like we have more of a responsibility to be meaningful or something... as I read your words, I felt your heart... the most important part...
It seems you must be LDS because of a comment about "no-TV Sundays" and "No chore Sundays" --- if you are not, I apologize... but a lot of "church" women (I am LDS) struggle with motherhood... we strive for perfection... we want the Spirit to give us strength to have the perfect Family Home Evenings... the perfect family meals... and alone in our closets - the only place we can find peace... we cry as we pray and fall apart...
I wish more women would admit that they are struggling... I fell into a deep dark gambling cavern... and now I am basically inactive... yet my testimony is still burning strong...
Well... thanks for allowing me to tell you how much it meant to read your blog... simple... honest... loved it!"
Thank you for sending that to me and for your honesty. I wish we were all more open and accepting of each other, then there would be less loneliness, depression and addictive behaviours because people would have people that are there for them and really care.We wouldn't punish or sabotage ourselves because we would know that everyone else is struggling as much as the other and that we are in this together, helping pull each other through each challenge instead of stepping on each others fingers to get out of the pit first. I am like my blog, put it out there and hope someone will meet me half way and I have been finding people like that far and few between, but your email, made all the difference. I guess people run from their weaknesses, its what I am laying on the table for everyone to see and poke at, and I hope if I disclose to others they will to me, but that's when I find alot of people run a mile, I guess facing our faults can be ugly and terrifying, but facing them is the only way to overcome them, even if facing them is learning to accept that ugly part of ourselves. But we all have so much to offer each other if only we'd give more honestly.
There is a cure for depression and all the beahviours that come with it: people. People who give a damn, people who take the time, people who truly love, people who don't judge, people who try and fail as much as any other, people who give.
Monday, July 23, 2012
And She All Falls Down ...
It has become clear to me why I write this blog. I have been afraid of another relapse of PND and I wanted to monitor all external circumstances and emotions to process the events leading up to a possible trigger. What I have found is that there are a few things that can and will help me not have a break down like I did the other day, and believe me it was a break down.
I felt like it was the beginning of the end, that I was falling into the pit of PND again, and even breifly felt suicidal. How can you live with yourself when you do something so disappointing and hurtful to the ones you love? Anyhow, Sunday was not a good day for me ...
For the last three weeks Noah has been testing us to the end of our tethers. He was wilful, rude, disobedient and aggressive, coming at me with pounding fists and screaming, really acting up and even having a go at other people - incredibly naughty. He has been a trial with his dinner. He NEVER wants to eat it and I've tried everything. Sunday night I was tired. I'd been up with Chloe the night before about four times. I missed Andrew and he was tied up with some responsibilities at church so he made it home two hours after I did. We ate tea without him. Once again, Noah tried it on, refusing dinner and being a real smart alec. I didn't know what else to do so I threatened smacking him.
He pushed. I smacked. He pushed again, I smacked again, and again, as hard as I could smack.
I screamed at the top of my lungs "EAT YOUR TEA!" I screamed it over and over until my voice went hoarse and I had nothing left in me.
He was crying hysterically at this point and he told me to go away just after reaching to me for comfort.
I went away. My entire body shook. I broke down in tears. It made me realise how much I've been affected by everything, it had been building up over time, until I reached this point - a bad point to be I might add.
I went back to Noah, cradled him in my arms and said sorry. We both held each other in a comforting embrace and cryed. As children do, he forgave me within minutes and it was as though nothing had happened. He was magnanimous. But me - I still feel sick at the loss of control and the rage.
I look at my kids sometimes and blame them for the frustration I'm feeling when really it is everything else around me that is causing it, it's just not so obvious because they're standing right in front of you, openly defying you. But they are just being kids. They really are the fun part, even when they are throwing tanties. It's all the other external factors and obligations that have our shoulders in knots.
The funny thing is I don't feel angry anymore. I feel in control again, strong again. I needed the release. However, that was unhealthy getting to that stage and taking it out on my kid. So what have I learned from this?
So I am writing, not for your criticism or judgements, but for me to pin point the triggers and you know what, I think I have. Now I can see clearly what happened to get me to this regretful point. It is not a PND relapse. It is not depression. It is an accumulation of stressful things and it is not coping with them and dealing with them as they come. It's just going through the motions as though I have no control on my life. No strategies have been put in place for times like these. Now I know where I need to mend the ladder to allow me to climb out of the hole of despair I felt imprisoned, as above. Those things are strategies for coping and while life is still all rush and sleep deprivation, it is manageable if I do them and it keeps my emotions in check.
No strategies leads to bad habits and impulsive reactions which can lead to worse things and begin a vicious circle.
So that's me, naked and vulnerable before your eyes, but I don't care what you think because you are not me, you don't live my life, you don't know or understand because you ain't wearing my shoes so take from it what you will, but I know I have found an answer for me and that is a break through for the long term in this interesting journey called life.
I felt like it was the beginning of the end, that I was falling into the pit of PND again, and even breifly felt suicidal. How can you live with yourself when you do something so disappointing and hurtful to the ones you love? Anyhow, Sunday was not a good day for me ...
For the last three weeks Noah has been testing us to the end of our tethers. He was wilful, rude, disobedient and aggressive, coming at me with pounding fists and screaming, really acting up and even having a go at other people - incredibly naughty. He has been a trial with his dinner. He NEVER wants to eat it and I've tried everything. Sunday night I was tired. I'd been up with Chloe the night before about four times. I missed Andrew and he was tied up with some responsibilities at church so he made it home two hours after I did. We ate tea without him. Once again, Noah tried it on, refusing dinner and being a real smart alec. I didn't know what else to do so I threatened smacking him.
He pushed. I smacked. He pushed again, I smacked again, and again, as hard as I could smack.
I screamed at the top of my lungs "EAT YOUR TEA!" I screamed it over and over until my voice went hoarse and I had nothing left in me.
He was crying hysterically at this point and he told me to go away just after reaching to me for comfort.
I went away. My entire body shook. I broke down in tears. It made me realise how much I've been affected by everything, it had been building up over time, until I reached this point - a bad point to be I might add.
I went back to Noah, cradled him in my arms and said sorry. We both held each other in a comforting embrace and cryed. As children do, he forgave me within minutes and it was as though nothing had happened. He was magnanimous. But me - I still feel sick at the loss of control and the rage.
I look at my kids sometimes and blame them for the frustration I'm feeling when really it is everything else around me that is causing it, it's just not so obvious because they're standing right in front of you, openly defying you. But they are just being kids. They really are the fun part, even when they are throwing tanties. It's all the other external factors and obligations that have our shoulders in knots.
The funny thing is I don't feel angry anymore. I feel in control again, strong again. I needed the release. However, that was unhealthy getting to that stage and taking it out on my kid. So what have I learned from this?
- Sleep deprivation makes you less tolerant and resilient to life's pressures and any little thing added to it is like a lead weight.
- I need an outlet to channel my rage so even if life gets hard, I will have a way of getting out that anger in a safe and controlled environment and my children do not cop the brunt of it. It will do three things 1) Channel pieces of the rage so that it doesn't build up and I explode because I am letting it out in small doses, 2) Fitness, endorphins, better sleep and 3) Time out.
- Andrew and I need to date so that I feel connected to him and don't miss him so much.
- I need to work on my spirituality - going to the temple is a big one here. It will strengthen me and heal me.
- Talk to a trusted friend about how I am feeling, how I am doing, I found one today, even though she'd been there all along, I never knew I could turn to her like this until now. I am grateful for her advice and time.
- Make time for myself - essential, especially being creative and still acheiving personal goals.
So I am writing, not for your criticism or judgements, but for me to pin point the triggers and you know what, I think I have. Now I can see clearly what happened to get me to this regretful point. It is not a PND relapse. It is not depression. It is an accumulation of stressful things and it is not coping with them and dealing with them as they come. It's just going through the motions as though I have no control on my life. No strategies have been put in place for times like these. Now I know where I need to mend the ladder to allow me to climb out of the hole of despair I felt imprisoned, as above. Those things are strategies for coping and while life is still all rush and sleep deprivation, it is manageable if I do them and it keeps my emotions in check.
No strategies leads to bad habits and impulsive reactions which can lead to worse things and begin a vicious circle.
So that's me, naked and vulnerable before your eyes, but I don't care what you think because you are not me, you don't live my life, you don't know or understand because you ain't wearing my shoes so take from it what you will, but I know I have found an answer for me and that is a break through for the long term in this interesting journey called life.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Unexpected
You know writing this blog has become kind of a venting place for me and in part it's been therapudic but also very personal. What I may think and feel one day can be resolved the next. So friends who read this blog may wonder what I am whinging about sometimes lol.
I guess I am insecure in many ways when it comes to friendships. I for one, lack a whole lot of self confidence and that in turn affects relationships I have. I get paranoid, I get discouraged easily, and in part it is warranted as my choice of friends hasn't been that great in the past. It's funny how sometimes you end up attracting the kind of people that are exactly what you don't need!
But I've struck it lucky. Found some beauties from amongst all the rubble. I think I just need to be patient and not listen to that negative little nag in my head who says all those terrible things about me to explain why I have no friends (which is not true anyway, I have friends, it's just that voice again telling me I don't). Sometimes they turn up in the most peculiar places. Opportunities come from all angles and can sometimes be overlooked.
I got Chloe immunised on Tuesday and met a lady whom I started a mum's group with through the community centre but ended up not going because it was too much effort and I was too tired from school runs and new bub. Anyway, I've seen her around and in part regretted not making the effort but she was happy to see me and invited me to the next group for the older babies part. I thought it was funny that I had been feeling lonely and then this falls in my lap.
Then there was a mum who told me she enjoyed hanging out with me and wanted to catch up next week. And then my cousin's girlfriend reminded me that she is lonely too and told me to come to their place anytime and vice versa. Maybe putting it out there isn't so bad afterall because it's like the universe took it and dispersed it to the people that would care - either that or they read my whinging blogs lol.
But I say here and now, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for giving a stuff. Thanks for taking the time. Thanks for caring. Here's to the journey of friendship.
I guess I am insecure in many ways when it comes to friendships. I for one, lack a whole lot of self confidence and that in turn affects relationships I have. I get paranoid, I get discouraged easily, and in part it is warranted as my choice of friends hasn't been that great in the past. It's funny how sometimes you end up attracting the kind of people that are exactly what you don't need!
But I've struck it lucky. Found some beauties from amongst all the rubble. I think I just need to be patient and not listen to that negative little nag in my head who says all those terrible things about me to explain why I have no friends (which is not true anyway, I have friends, it's just that voice again telling me I don't). Sometimes they turn up in the most peculiar places. Opportunities come from all angles and can sometimes be overlooked.
I got Chloe immunised on Tuesday and met a lady whom I started a mum's group with through the community centre but ended up not going because it was too much effort and I was too tired from school runs and new bub. Anyway, I've seen her around and in part regretted not making the effort but she was happy to see me and invited me to the next group for the older babies part. I thought it was funny that I had been feeling lonely and then this falls in my lap.
Then there was a mum who told me she enjoyed hanging out with me and wanted to catch up next week. And then my cousin's girlfriend reminded me that she is lonely too and told me to come to their place anytime and vice versa. Maybe putting it out there isn't so bad afterall because it's like the universe took it and dispersed it to the people that would care - either that or they read my whinging blogs lol.
But I say here and now, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for giving a stuff. Thanks for taking the time. Thanks for caring. Here's to the journey of friendship.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Chloe
Five months today. I haven't had a relapse of PND. I've had bad days, but they're not consistent, just bad days like normal people have. I did have a rage attack yesterday and that bothered me ... but the next day I was fine again so that assured me. I think by two months the PND had settled in with Noah. So I am in the clear yes ... but still not 100% myself yet either.
My Chloe is a beautiful little bub. She smiles most of the time and loves to interact. She tries hard to talk and loves to touch faces. The bright light coming from within warms my heart everytime she looks at me. I could be yelling blue murder at the other kids and I'll look at her and she is grinning at me with her adoring eyes and I feel the anger ebb away and the tense chest soften.
She has a new trick at the moment, blowing raspberries. She drools heaps and chomps on everything including my breasts. She will be going on the bottle shortly lol. Charlize lost her first tooth today and Chloe is growing them. Being loved the best by one person is the most rewarding thing in the world.
My Chloe is a beautiful little bub. She smiles most of the time and loves to interact. She tries hard to talk and loves to touch faces. The bright light coming from within warms my heart everytime she looks at me. I could be yelling blue murder at the other kids and I'll look at her and she is grinning at me with her adoring eyes and I feel the anger ebb away and the tense chest soften.
She has a new trick at the moment, blowing raspberries. She drools heaps and chomps on everything including my breasts. She will be going on the bottle shortly lol. Charlize lost her first tooth today and Chloe is growing them. Being loved the best by one person is the most rewarding thing in the world.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
My Utopia
A plot of land - 3 to 5 acres.
Two Japanese maples to greet people at the entrance of the driveway.
A house with lots of light, space and verandahs. Windchimes. Solar panels, gas heating and cooking, water tanks.
A dog, like the one we left behind when mum and dad split. Fish tanks. Birds that are tamed and eat from your hand and sit on your shoulder. A russian blue cat.
Fruit trees, olive, orange, lemon, apple. An annual vegetable garden and herbs. Strawberries and raspberries. A worm farm. A koi pond. Chickens. Ducks.
An art studio. A shed for Andy to tinker with old cars.
Andrew, running projects from home. Relaxed, laughing, embracing, enjoying, wearing jeans and a hoodie with bare feet. Planning our next camping trip.
Me, writing, painting, creating, earning, peaceful, focused.
The kids, at home, at peace, growing, learning, loving, being creative, safe, trusting and belonging.
My utopia.
SUCCESS
SO I put a manuscript in to PENGUIN for a kids book. They say it takes up to three months before they can reply and if you don't get a reply in those three months they are not interested. So I am waiting. I am also working on two other children's book ideas and will be posting them off to other publishing houses to try my luck. It's very competitive, I don't expect instant success but I am hoping.
My dream is that I write and illustrate books enough to bring in a good income and keep Andrew home with me to be my slave ... the kind I'll leave up to your imagination ;). But it has given such an incentive! I am painting and writing and taking risks with my creativity that I have only thought of but never actually attempted.
I think ... why did it take me so long? The truth ... I thought I would be discovered. Someone would go - "Oh my gosh you are so incredible, you're hired!" Vain much? I know I know, but when you get told you're so talented, you'll be famous one day, you're the best ... it kind of goes to your head. Then you get lazy. Then you get false expectations. Then you end up with a lot of talent and nothing to show for it. You've got to get out there. So I am.
The other part was fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of succeeding too! I have visions of my interview with Oprah when my novel is a success - yes, I visualise that far! But it fills me with butterflies of all kinds.
But you know what - I don't mind so much now because I have a reason to succeed. My husband. My utopia.
My dream is that I write and illustrate books enough to bring in a good income and keep Andrew home with me to be my slave ... the kind I'll leave up to your imagination ;). But it has given such an incentive! I am painting and writing and taking risks with my creativity that I have only thought of but never actually attempted.
I think ... why did it take me so long? The truth ... I thought I would be discovered. Someone would go - "Oh my gosh you are so incredible, you're hired!" Vain much? I know I know, but when you get told you're so talented, you'll be famous one day, you're the best ... it kind of goes to your head. Then you get lazy. Then you get false expectations. Then you end up with a lot of talent and nothing to show for it. You've got to get out there. So I am.
The other part was fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of succeeding too! I have visions of my interview with Oprah when my novel is a success - yes, I visualise that far! But it fills me with butterflies of all kinds.
But you know what - I don't mind so much now because I have a reason to succeed. My husband. My utopia.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Long Days
Have you ever been in a room with hundreds of people and felt isolated and alone? Being a mum is like that sometimes. It's just you and your kids, your kids and you, you and your kids.
I've been feeling isolated lately. Lonely. Inadequate. Tired. My closest friend is my husband but money pays bills so someone has to provide. He wishes he could stay home but unless we win the lotto that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. He works long hours and I don't think I'm the only married woman with kids who has a husband she hardly sees.
Life, the way society is set up means they have to work these long hours so that we can keep up with the expense and get ahead somewhat. In turn, if the mother isn't working also and putting her kids in care (in order to pay mortgage and credit card and debt upon debt), those who remain home with their kids are alone for long hours of the day.
So why aren't we more involved with eachother? Why are their women who live 5 minutes from each other or right next door, sitting in their homes with their children around them feeling depressed because they have no support other than their husband who is doing what he can to provide for them, or single mums who have no support.
This consumer society I see has created a few problems. One being the easiness of getting what we want now now now and not saving up and managing finances better. We get a credit card, we buy what we want, we spend the next ten - twenty years paying it off with interest and then some. We put our hand out for a loan for cars and houses and then we slave away for the rest of our life paying it off.
This means mums work as well as dads so they can keep their heads above water and the kids go to childcare. Less mums are home with their babies, leaving the ones who are a minority. The other thing I see is people need jobs to survive so they move where the work is which means a greater divide between families. My sisters are in Tasmania. My mum is in America. My brothers are in Queensland. I am alone in NSW. It means I have to lean on the strength and support of strangers in order to avoid loneliness and going crazy.
One of the biggest reasons I got PND with Noah was because I was isolated. I needed support and I didn't have it accessible except maybe once a week if that when my sisters could spare me some of their time. Now I see the pattern repeating. I have a baby. I'm home alot with the baby because she is young and needs regular sleeps. I don't get visits. No one calls me to ask me how my day is. Just me and the kids. I try with others. If I don't it doesn't happen.
So I am lonely. I am feeling a bit down. Life isn't as bad as it seems right now but I am sick of the fight of trying to create a support network and getting nowhere. I think I will try some more playgroups and find one that fits. But I think the way life is set up at the moment for families sucks.
I've been feeling isolated lately. Lonely. Inadequate. Tired. My closest friend is my husband but money pays bills so someone has to provide. He wishes he could stay home but unless we win the lotto that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. He works long hours and I don't think I'm the only married woman with kids who has a husband she hardly sees.
Life, the way society is set up means they have to work these long hours so that we can keep up with the expense and get ahead somewhat. In turn, if the mother isn't working also and putting her kids in care (in order to pay mortgage and credit card and debt upon debt), those who remain home with their kids are alone for long hours of the day.
So why aren't we more involved with eachother? Why are their women who live 5 minutes from each other or right next door, sitting in their homes with their children around them feeling depressed because they have no support other than their husband who is doing what he can to provide for them, or single mums who have no support.
This consumer society I see has created a few problems. One being the easiness of getting what we want now now now and not saving up and managing finances better. We get a credit card, we buy what we want, we spend the next ten - twenty years paying it off with interest and then some. We put our hand out for a loan for cars and houses and then we slave away for the rest of our life paying it off.
This means mums work as well as dads so they can keep their heads above water and the kids go to childcare. Less mums are home with their babies, leaving the ones who are a minority. The other thing I see is people need jobs to survive so they move where the work is which means a greater divide between families. My sisters are in Tasmania. My mum is in America. My brothers are in Queensland. I am alone in NSW. It means I have to lean on the strength and support of strangers in order to avoid loneliness and going crazy.
One of the biggest reasons I got PND with Noah was because I was isolated. I needed support and I didn't have it accessible except maybe once a week if that when my sisters could spare me some of their time. Now I see the pattern repeating. I have a baby. I'm home alot with the baby because she is young and needs regular sleeps. I don't get visits. No one calls me to ask me how my day is. Just me and the kids. I try with others. If I don't it doesn't happen.
So I am lonely. I am feeling a bit down. Life isn't as bad as it seems right now but I am sick of the fight of trying to create a support network and getting nowhere. I think I will try some more playgroups and find one that fits. But I think the way life is set up at the moment for families sucks.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Peace
She was born on February 10th 2012. She was beautiful. She has brought light and love into my heart again and has helped me heal. She is my baby girl,Chloe Megumi Morgan.
Her name means Blossoming Grace/ Little shoot, pure blessing. And she is.
The labour did not go as planned. I got induced a week early. I had an epidural. I reacted to the anisetic. Eleven hours and two pushes later, she came quietly and laughter surrounded her emergence into the world.
How have I been? Unusually calm, maybe it was the euphoria - nonetheless calm ... feeling capable and confident as a mother,being kinder, more nurturing to my other kids. I still have my screaming moments ... I guess that's just part of being a mum, but I'm better than I was so that has got to count for something.
I believe the hypnotherapy helped me believe I could, I can, I am a capable and loving parent, that life is precious, that these moments are fleeting, that I'm a survivor, that I deserve a pat on the back, I am strong, I am powerful.
Her name means Blossoming Grace/ Little shoot, pure blessing. And she is.
The labour did not go as planned. I got induced a week early. I had an epidural. I reacted to the anisetic. Eleven hours and two pushes later, she came quietly and laughter surrounded her emergence into the world.
How have I been? Unusually calm, maybe it was the euphoria - nonetheless calm ... feeling capable and confident as a mother,being kinder, more nurturing to my other kids. I still have my screaming moments ... I guess that's just part of being a mum, but I'm better than I was so that has got to count for something.
I believe the hypnotherapy helped me believe I could, I can, I am a capable and loving parent, that life is precious, that these moments are fleeting, that I'm a survivor, that I deserve a pat on the back, I am strong, I am powerful.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Life is how we perceive it to be ...
CHRISTMAS EVE
We had a beautiful roast lamb dinner with Andrew's superb sticky date pudding and ice cream for dessert. We talked about the Christmas story and we opened all the presents! We sang some carols, the kids went to bed and we continued to sing carols and chat. A relaxing night.
CHRISTMAS DAY
The phone rings at 3.30am. At first I think I am dreaming and then I hear my husband stir. There is silence for a few minutes and then his sleepy voice says "Jan, I have to go to Carlingford, the nativity is on fire." He's gone within minutes and I am restless for the remainder of my sleep. I was glad we opened presents the night before. I get up and get the kids and I ready for church and sit in the meeting feeling lost without him as everyone else is sitting with their families on Christmas day. At least mum is with me.
We get home at 11am, and he is finally home. His sister and mum have brought over gifts for the kids. I make him bacon and eggs while he showers and we sit down and enjoy the kids unwrapping their presents. I look at Andrew, his entire face is drawn, his eyes tired. I want to feel angry at the arsenist who took my husband from me Christmas morning but I can't. I just feel sorry for them, sorry that they are filled with so much hate. It's hard to understand.
Adam comes over for lunch with the kids and Andrew is wilting. All he wants to do is go to bed, but he socialises, he smiles, he laughs, he helps with the kids. Man, I love him! He is so strong, he is my rock, my sheltering willow tree. Guess that's why it's so hard not to have him around.
NEW YEAR'S PUBLIC HOLIDAY
We all get some flu bug going around and don't do much else but sleep and try to recover. Andrew is back at work the next day and he won't have another holiday until the end of 2012. It seems whenever we have a long weekend either the kids or one of us gets sick ... I struggle with feelings of frustration at this because we barely get time together but then what's the point - you can't change what you can't control.
ANXIOUS
I am. His job is stressful. He seems burnt out. He seems despairing. I offer suggestions, nothing fits. I feel fear ebbing at the outside of history repeating. I rely on him so much. The baby is due soon. He is tired already. He is leaving a week after she is due for a training seminar in NZ. I am trying to tell myself I'll be OK and I'll get through and I am strong enough to handle it on my own. I also feel that insistent fear of the unknown, but I keep trying to turn it around and tell myself we'll get through.
CONCLUSION
I think if I look outwardly at the people around me, my husband, my children, my mum, my in-laws, and just give love and serve them, my worries will melt away and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
We had a beautiful roast lamb dinner with Andrew's superb sticky date pudding and ice cream for dessert. We talked about the Christmas story and we opened all the presents! We sang some carols, the kids went to bed and we continued to sing carols and chat. A relaxing night.
CHRISTMAS DAY
The phone rings at 3.30am. At first I think I am dreaming and then I hear my husband stir. There is silence for a few minutes and then his sleepy voice says "Jan, I have to go to Carlingford, the nativity is on fire." He's gone within minutes and I am restless for the remainder of my sleep. I was glad we opened presents the night before. I get up and get the kids and I ready for church and sit in the meeting feeling lost without him as everyone else is sitting with their families on Christmas day. At least mum is with me.
We get home at 11am, and he is finally home. His sister and mum have brought over gifts for the kids. I make him bacon and eggs while he showers and we sit down and enjoy the kids unwrapping their presents. I look at Andrew, his entire face is drawn, his eyes tired. I want to feel angry at the arsenist who took my husband from me Christmas morning but I can't. I just feel sorry for them, sorry that they are filled with so much hate. It's hard to understand.
Adam comes over for lunch with the kids and Andrew is wilting. All he wants to do is go to bed, but he socialises, he smiles, he laughs, he helps with the kids. Man, I love him! He is so strong, he is my rock, my sheltering willow tree. Guess that's why it's so hard not to have him around.
NEW YEAR'S PUBLIC HOLIDAY
We all get some flu bug going around and don't do much else but sleep and try to recover. Andrew is back at work the next day and he won't have another holiday until the end of 2012. It seems whenever we have a long weekend either the kids or one of us gets sick ... I struggle with feelings of frustration at this because we barely get time together but then what's the point - you can't change what you can't control.
ANXIOUS
I am. His job is stressful. He seems burnt out. He seems despairing. I offer suggestions, nothing fits. I feel fear ebbing at the outside of history repeating. I rely on him so much. The baby is due soon. He is tired already. He is leaving a week after she is due for a training seminar in NZ. I am trying to tell myself I'll be OK and I'll get through and I am strong enough to handle it on my own. I also feel that insistent fear of the unknown, but I keep trying to turn it around and tell myself we'll get through.
CONCLUSION
I think if I look outwardly at the people around me, my husband, my children, my mum, my in-laws, and just give love and serve them, my worries will melt away and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Ground Hog Day
While I find the loneliness and the monotony of parenting an insanity provoker I have indulged myself in a few outlets to ward off the men in white coats.
Projects:
Projects:
- I've been working on this book since Noah was five months old. It came to me as a dream and inspired the idea to put it into a book. Three years running now and I am heading into the final stages of the first draft writing process. Next will be self editing and then passing it on to trusted friends and family for editing and suggestions. I'm pretty excited I'm getting to the end of this stage it's been a long write in between child rearing and the like. It's a supernatural romance, possibly young adult fiction, and will be a trilogy by the end of it all.
- Reading. Currently reading the "hush,hush" series by Becca Fitzpatrick. An entertaining read. Books like this have whisked me away into another world and have helped me through very boring and challenging times in my life.
- Writing and illustrating children's books. I am working on my portfolio for illustration but once again hard to knuckle down when you have little ones to mind. I have ideas for children's books but are waiting in the wings until my big novel is complete.
- Painting. Painting pictures that say something, have an impact and join the Gosford gallery so some can be put on display.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Noone Told Me How Lonely it Would Be ...
Here's an average week for me ...
wake up, feed kids,entertain kids, clean house, feed kids, entertain kids, clean house, make lunch, clean up, entertain kids, put on ABC for Kids, make tea, pick up husband, eat tea, husband puts kids to bed, I clean up, kids procrastinate bed, husband and I watch a show or read and go to sleep.
Next day ...
As above.
Day after that...
Kids go to Daycare. I try not to clean up and do something for me like write or draw or paint or hang with a friend.
Day after that day ...
See first two entries.
Day after that day ...
As above.
Weekends...
Cleaning up. Grocery shopping. Catching up with friends sometimes. Family stuff.
Sunday...
Go to church for three hours. TV free day. Shopping free day. Cleaning free day. Sometimes see family. Entertain kids in the afternoon, maybe bake something, have tea, go to bed.
Next day...
Repeat all of the above.
Does that sound familiar to anyone? This week has been hard to deal with. I've been feeling pretty lonely, but in saying that I've contacted people, made some effort, but I know tomorrow is just going to be another lonely day unless I invite people over or plan something with someone. I get sick of making all the effort though. I am 6 months pregnant and low on energy and the heat sucks out what remains. It's easier to stay home but then I get bored and lonely and frustrated and so do the kids. I've looked into playgroups and found they are too expensive and alot of them not really worth it. I miss my old mates - Hannah, Linda, Katrina, Emma .... they were fun, they wanted to hang with me, effort was reciprocated, made me feel important, valued. One of my friends in particular looks fantastic and is always out on the weekends dressing up and having a blast with her friends. I realised I miss that. I love being social and hanging out with friends and having fun and I barely get that these days. Who knew getting married and having children meant being alone? A friend told me we all go through this stage when we have young kids. She even admitted feeling a little depressed over that period in her life. Why don't us mums look out for each other more? Why is the way things are in this community all about battling on your own. It shouldn't be that way. Maybe there would be less depression if we made more effort and took more consideration of each other. As the old African proverb states =
"It takes a community to raise a child."
Where's the community?
I've decided I am going to try and create a community. The thought makes me tired because I know I will have to do it on my own. But I know what I need and would like to have in my life and in my kids life. So I am going to start my own playgroups and every week or fortnight, organise a fun night socialising - whether it's with girls or couples. I just know I need more than one breather a week to help me be a more engaged and joyful mum too.
I was sent a letter the other day from a friend. She told me she couldn't be around me at the moment because it reminds her of what she's lost. We were only a week a part with our pregnancies and she tragically lost hers. While I understand, I also am not sure how to be when I see her next. I want to support her but what do I do. Give her space? Just smile at her from a distance and leave it at that? I will wait until she is ready to instigate the friendship again but until then I am just not sure what to do with myself when we're around each other. I don't want her to feel sad and be reminded of her loss everytime she looks at me. I still think I'm an ungrateful sod and should have been the one to lose the baby, not her. But we all have our trials, some far worse than others.
I respect her courage. I respect her honesty. I pray for her to have the strength to heal... and to mourn. I will miss her friendship for awhile.
Anyway, any other insights or perspectives on all of the above would be appreciated.
wake up, feed kids,entertain kids, clean house, feed kids, entertain kids, clean house, make lunch, clean up, entertain kids, put on ABC for Kids, make tea, pick up husband, eat tea, husband puts kids to bed, I clean up, kids procrastinate bed, husband and I watch a show or read and go to sleep.
Next day ...
As above.
Day after that...
Kids go to Daycare. I try not to clean up and do something for me like write or draw or paint or hang with a friend.
Day after that day ...
See first two entries.
Day after that day ...
As above.
Weekends...
Cleaning up. Grocery shopping. Catching up with friends sometimes. Family stuff.
Sunday...
Go to church for three hours. TV free day. Shopping free day. Cleaning free day. Sometimes see family. Entertain kids in the afternoon, maybe bake something, have tea, go to bed.
Next day...
Repeat all of the above.
Does that sound familiar to anyone? This week has been hard to deal with. I've been feeling pretty lonely, but in saying that I've contacted people, made some effort, but I know tomorrow is just going to be another lonely day unless I invite people over or plan something with someone. I get sick of making all the effort though. I am 6 months pregnant and low on energy and the heat sucks out what remains. It's easier to stay home but then I get bored and lonely and frustrated and so do the kids. I've looked into playgroups and found they are too expensive and alot of them not really worth it. I miss my old mates - Hannah, Linda, Katrina, Emma .... they were fun, they wanted to hang with me, effort was reciprocated, made me feel important, valued. One of my friends in particular looks fantastic and is always out on the weekends dressing up and having a blast with her friends. I realised I miss that. I love being social and hanging out with friends and having fun and I barely get that these days. Who knew getting married and having children meant being alone? A friend told me we all go through this stage when we have young kids. She even admitted feeling a little depressed over that period in her life. Why don't us mums look out for each other more? Why is the way things are in this community all about battling on your own. It shouldn't be that way. Maybe there would be less depression if we made more effort and took more consideration of each other. As the old African proverb states =
"It takes a community to raise a child."
Where's the community?
I've decided I am going to try and create a community. The thought makes me tired because I know I will have to do it on my own. But I know what I need and would like to have in my life and in my kids life. So I am going to start my own playgroups and every week or fortnight, organise a fun night socialising - whether it's with girls or couples. I just know I need more than one breather a week to help me be a more engaged and joyful mum too.
I was sent a letter the other day from a friend. She told me she couldn't be around me at the moment because it reminds her of what she's lost. We were only a week a part with our pregnancies and she tragically lost hers. While I understand, I also am not sure how to be when I see her next. I want to support her but what do I do. Give her space? Just smile at her from a distance and leave it at that? I will wait until she is ready to instigate the friendship again but until then I am just not sure what to do with myself when we're around each other. I don't want her to feel sad and be reminded of her loss everytime she looks at me. I still think I'm an ungrateful sod and should have been the one to lose the baby, not her. But we all have our trials, some far worse than others.
I respect her courage. I respect her honesty. I pray for her to have the strength to heal... and to mourn. I will miss her friendship for awhile.
Anyway, any other insights or perspectives on all of the above would be appreciated.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Dr Smith
Today I had my first session with Dr Sandra Smith in regards to my postnatal depression. She spent two hours with me basically going over the history of my life. When I spoke about my PND experience I broke down, it's still very raw - a horrible experience and I still find it hard to talk about without cracking up.
She was disappointed with the lack of support I'd received. Since having PND I have noticed that many people are uncomfortable with mental illness. I've reached out for help and indirectly been shunned because those I've spoken to don't understand it and therefore fear it. They don't know what to do or say so they'd rather avoid the subject or the person. It's these kinds of attitudes that increase the condition and make the person who already feels crazy hopeless and alone - not a good combination for someone who's mentally unstable. Those kinds of attitudes can assist in a person's decision to suicide.
Dr Smith suggested I have hypnotherapy. I wasn't too keen on the concept. I feel you're cheating/tricking yourself and not really dealing with the issue and learning life skills to overcome the problem. She told me a recent study showed that 89% of women have violent thoughts towards their children. 89%!!!!
So does that mean that we don't have a mental illness although it's labelled as that because it's not socially acceptable for a mother to be that way? If 89% of women have these thoughts does that mean most women suffer from PND but don't realise it or is it normal to have those angry feelings sometimes? Is it just that motherhood is hard and if you don't have coping mechanisms or ways of recognising what you need, for example, time out, a massage etc. that you blow your top with frustration and kids unfortunately get the brunt of it as unfair as it is to them?
In some cases, people need medical intervention to balance their chemical imbalance, but the majority of cases probably could be treated with counselling and group therapy and having a decent support network if 89% of women struggle with their feelings of anger and frustration towards their kids.
Let's face it. Motherhood is selfless and hard. It requires so much of us in all aspects physically, emotionally etc. But it is supposed to be the most joyous part of our life (so they say). So why are 89% of women struggling with this joyous experience?
I think we lack honesty with eachother. I think we're good at putting on the perfect image. I think we are scared of our own failings and others' in the area that women are supposed to do well and naturally. I think we have a lack of support within the community of mothers. Society expects us to work. But they want us to have kids too. I don't think they make it easy for us. They ask too much. I think being a mother is undervalued in society yet they want babies to keep it plugging along but don't really support it. They support going to work and putting your kids in centres so they can have a better economy. But what about better families? What about stronger women? What about stronger mothers and marriages? What about decreasing the pressure and expectation placed on our shoulders?
89% is a high statistic of women having violent thoughts towards their children, don't you think? There's something amiss, I think. The children who are affected by mothers finding it difficult to cope are our future. Dr Smith said my kids are affected by the PND stint, but it can be rectified, it can be fixed. I just wish my kids weren't affected at all by my problem, but how can they not be? I'm their mother.
So now it's healing time. This experience should be better than the last as I will have better professional support but it comes at a price. However, if it improves the future of my kids and myself, what's money? I'm still not sure on the hypnotism and if their is anyone out there who knows about it I'm all ears.
Dr Smith said hypnotism will help me change negative learned behaviours, help me cope well and relax with the agony of labour, and help me avoid the road of PND after the baby is born. I can see the benefits and if it's in a controlled environment, for medicinal purposes, it might be OK. But I wonder if I am really better or if its an illusion of something I don't really believe? Then it would be a lie and the problem still there. I am not certain, but I haven't completely disregarded it because the results are wanted.
I want to have a different perspective on some aspects of my life because then I will feel happier and more fulfilled. I want to be able to have a positive birth experiencce that I can empower myself through without epidurals. But shouldn't I learn how instead of having someone change my brain function? I asked Dr Smith and she said - "You don't have to suffer."
Isn't suffering part of the butterfly experience? You've got to struggle through the tight confines of what binds you to strengthen you to fly.
She was disappointed with the lack of support I'd received. Since having PND I have noticed that many people are uncomfortable with mental illness. I've reached out for help and indirectly been shunned because those I've spoken to don't understand it and therefore fear it. They don't know what to do or say so they'd rather avoid the subject or the person. It's these kinds of attitudes that increase the condition and make the person who already feels crazy hopeless and alone - not a good combination for someone who's mentally unstable. Those kinds of attitudes can assist in a person's decision to suicide.
Dr Smith suggested I have hypnotherapy. I wasn't too keen on the concept. I feel you're cheating/tricking yourself and not really dealing with the issue and learning life skills to overcome the problem. She told me a recent study showed that 89% of women have violent thoughts towards their children. 89%!!!!
So does that mean that we don't have a mental illness although it's labelled as that because it's not socially acceptable for a mother to be that way? If 89% of women have these thoughts does that mean most women suffer from PND but don't realise it or is it normal to have those angry feelings sometimes? Is it just that motherhood is hard and if you don't have coping mechanisms or ways of recognising what you need, for example, time out, a massage etc. that you blow your top with frustration and kids unfortunately get the brunt of it as unfair as it is to them?
In some cases, people need medical intervention to balance their chemical imbalance, but the majority of cases probably could be treated with counselling and group therapy and having a decent support network if 89% of women struggle with their feelings of anger and frustration towards their kids.
Let's face it. Motherhood is selfless and hard. It requires so much of us in all aspects physically, emotionally etc. But it is supposed to be the most joyous part of our life (so they say). So why are 89% of women struggling with this joyous experience?
I think we lack honesty with eachother. I think we're good at putting on the perfect image. I think we are scared of our own failings and others' in the area that women are supposed to do well and naturally. I think we have a lack of support within the community of mothers. Society expects us to work. But they want us to have kids too. I don't think they make it easy for us. They ask too much. I think being a mother is undervalued in society yet they want babies to keep it plugging along but don't really support it. They support going to work and putting your kids in centres so they can have a better economy. But what about better families? What about stronger women? What about stronger mothers and marriages? What about decreasing the pressure and expectation placed on our shoulders?
89% is a high statistic of women having violent thoughts towards their children, don't you think? There's something amiss, I think. The children who are affected by mothers finding it difficult to cope are our future. Dr Smith said my kids are affected by the PND stint, but it can be rectified, it can be fixed. I just wish my kids weren't affected at all by my problem, but how can they not be? I'm their mother.
So now it's healing time. This experience should be better than the last as I will have better professional support but it comes at a price. However, if it improves the future of my kids and myself, what's money? I'm still not sure on the hypnotism and if their is anyone out there who knows about it I'm all ears.
Dr Smith said hypnotism will help me change negative learned behaviours, help me cope well and relax with the agony of labour, and help me avoid the road of PND after the baby is born. I can see the benefits and if it's in a controlled environment, for medicinal purposes, it might be OK. But I wonder if I am really better or if its an illusion of something I don't really believe? Then it would be a lie and the problem still there. I am not certain, but I haven't completely disregarded it because the results are wanted.
I want to have a different perspective on some aspects of my life because then I will feel happier and more fulfilled. I want to be able to have a positive birth experiencce that I can empower myself through without epidurals. But shouldn't I learn how instead of having someone change my brain function? I asked Dr Smith and she said - "You don't have to suffer."
Isn't suffering part of the butterfly experience? You've got to struggle through the tight confines of what binds you to strengthen you to fly.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The Greatest PARADOX
We finally made it toShoal Bay for our weekend away. It was peaceful and enjoyable. We had smorgasboard breakfasts each morning and walks on the beach. We went dolphin watching and floated around in the aqua spas, taking crazy photos with our waterproof camera. It was a ton of fun.
The accomodation was immaculate and modern and we loved staying there, our only gripe was the bed was too small and too hard, but then again, we've been spoilt. Our bed at home is a king size with a soft top - cloud like yes. We talked heaps, relaxed heaps, ate heaps (too much lol) but we missed the kids after all that - how could we not. As much as they are hard work they are part of our life now and it is not the same without them.
I experienced a half hour massage and while it was nice, I find Andrew's back rubs far more soothing. Husband whom I love and trust vs complete stranger and my naked body ... hmmm?
I received sad news while I was away. My friend Lauren, who was two weeks behind me with her pregnancy had gone into labour. Her waters broke and she got an infection. The baby wouldn't survive and Lauren's life was at some risk also. I broke down in tears, couldn't explain to Andrew why as I was too upset. She wanted this baby so badly.
Lauren can't conceive naturally, she has to go through lots of tests, needles and money in order to conceive. She sacrificed so much to have her. I spoke to her a week before, said we ought to work on our friendship considering our girls were going to be friends. We were excited to be going through the same process, it drew us closer. She is such a giving person, a good mum, I couldn't even comprehend the heartache she must feel. But I cry everytime I think about it.
I guess what gets me the most is that three of my friends have conceived close to me. All three have lost their bubs. All three are good mothers who really wanted their babies. Me - I fall pregnant after a month of trying. I have awful morning sickness but aside from that my pregnancies go without a hitch. The babies are healthy. There's no complications and I am ungrateful. I whinge, bitch and complain about the discomfort, the sickness, the moods but hey - my baby is OK.
During morning sickness I could of cared less if I lost the baby you know, it would have been a relief. And then there's Lauren, hoping against all hope that the fertilised egg would stick to her uterus. I regretted the decision to have another one. She anticipated the new addition to her family with great enthusiasm. And yet, she is the one who has the most trouble, she is the one who is losing her baby whereas me - ungrateful, spiteful old me could have cared less.
Now, it's different. I feel connected to the child. I don't want to lose her. But when I heard of Lauren's tragedy, I got on my knees and prayed that I could take her place because I guess it wouldn't hurt me as much. That night I got terrible stomach cramps and I thought it was happening, but it turns out it was just some bad fish.
I guess in those hours I realised what I gift I have in being able to have this child without complications. How blessed I am to have that ability. I realised I am looking forward to this new addition to our family. I realised too that everyone's trials are different. It's a paradox, but at the heart of it all it bears a unique purpose for that certain individual, even unfair it seems.
Last night Charlize wanted me to sing her some lullabies before she went to sleep. As I was singing to her, the sweet words and melody soothing my girl, my thoughts strayed to Lauren in pain, labouring, hoping to bring her lifeless bub into the world and it made me sing stronger, as though my lullaby could reach her, soothe her as well as soothe my daughter and I must admit ... me.
It's been three days now and the infection is stabilised enough that they are willing to operate and put an end to the suffering for them both and all their loved ones hanging on in hope. I wish I had the power to fix it. I feel sad for their loss. I feel sad that my bubby will miss out on growing up with this little baby. They came down together. They would have known each other in the life before. In a way I feel a connection to her because of this. It makes me cry. But I guess she was too good for this world, too pure, too wonderful.
Lauren named her Sylvie Hope. Little one, this is in memory of you. I'm so sad to see you go, but I understand what a gift your short life will bring to all of us in some way. Thank you for reminding me that what I have is precious. Good bye little one, I will strive to be a solid, loyal friend to your beautiful mama and maybe, in some way, my little one will help her heal when she comes. There is nothing more beautiful than a new life. We'll see you again, one day, we'll see you again.
The accomodation was immaculate and modern and we loved staying there, our only gripe was the bed was too small and too hard, but then again, we've been spoilt. Our bed at home is a king size with a soft top - cloud like yes. We talked heaps, relaxed heaps, ate heaps (too much lol) but we missed the kids after all that - how could we not. As much as they are hard work they are part of our life now and it is not the same without them.
I experienced a half hour massage and while it was nice, I find Andrew's back rubs far more soothing. Husband whom I love and trust vs complete stranger and my naked body ... hmmm?
I received sad news while I was away. My friend Lauren, who was two weeks behind me with her pregnancy had gone into labour. Her waters broke and she got an infection. The baby wouldn't survive and Lauren's life was at some risk also. I broke down in tears, couldn't explain to Andrew why as I was too upset. She wanted this baby so badly.
Lauren can't conceive naturally, she has to go through lots of tests, needles and money in order to conceive. She sacrificed so much to have her. I spoke to her a week before, said we ought to work on our friendship considering our girls were going to be friends. We were excited to be going through the same process, it drew us closer. She is such a giving person, a good mum, I couldn't even comprehend the heartache she must feel. But I cry everytime I think about it.
I guess what gets me the most is that three of my friends have conceived close to me. All three have lost their bubs. All three are good mothers who really wanted their babies. Me - I fall pregnant after a month of trying. I have awful morning sickness but aside from that my pregnancies go without a hitch. The babies are healthy. There's no complications and I am ungrateful. I whinge, bitch and complain about the discomfort, the sickness, the moods but hey - my baby is OK.
During morning sickness I could of cared less if I lost the baby you know, it would have been a relief. And then there's Lauren, hoping against all hope that the fertilised egg would stick to her uterus. I regretted the decision to have another one. She anticipated the new addition to her family with great enthusiasm. And yet, she is the one who has the most trouble, she is the one who is losing her baby whereas me - ungrateful, spiteful old me could have cared less.
Now, it's different. I feel connected to the child. I don't want to lose her. But when I heard of Lauren's tragedy, I got on my knees and prayed that I could take her place because I guess it wouldn't hurt me as much. That night I got terrible stomach cramps and I thought it was happening, but it turns out it was just some bad fish.
I guess in those hours I realised what I gift I have in being able to have this child without complications. How blessed I am to have that ability. I realised I am looking forward to this new addition to our family. I realised too that everyone's trials are different. It's a paradox, but at the heart of it all it bears a unique purpose for that certain individual, even unfair it seems.
Last night Charlize wanted me to sing her some lullabies before she went to sleep. As I was singing to her, the sweet words and melody soothing my girl, my thoughts strayed to Lauren in pain, labouring, hoping to bring her lifeless bub into the world and it made me sing stronger, as though my lullaby could reach her, soothe her as well as soothe my daughter and I must admit ... me.
It's been three days now and the infection is stabilised enough that they are willing to operate and put an end to the suffering for them both and all their loved ones hanging on in hope. I wish I had the power to fix it. I feel sad for their loss. I feel sad that my bubby will miss out on growing up with this little baby. They came down together. They would have known each other in the life before. In a way I feel a connection to her because of this. It makes me cry. But I guess she was too good for this world, too pure, too wonderful.
Lauren named her Sylvie Hope. Little one, this is in memory of you. I'm so sad to see you go, but I understand what a gift your short life will bring to all of us in some way. Thank you for reminding me that what I have is precious. Good bye little one, I will strive to be a solid, loyal friend to your beautiful mama and maybe, in some way, my little one will help her heal when she comes. There is nothing more beautiful than a new life. We'll see you again, one day, we'll see you again.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sick September
Well this month my two children have been sick for - I would say - the entire month and then some. It started as a common cold which turned into a middle ear infection. A three hour wait in the doctor surgery with a girl sitting next to me about to vomit and two very bored and irritable kids. The week after they got better, my eldest, Charlize, vomits for 24 hours followed by a runny nose and cough. My three year old, Noah, is now getting the green slugs creeping from his nostrils. The result = a lack of social interaction with other mums and the tending and nursing of whinging, clinging kids. I'm still suffering from morning sickness and severe tiredness (as is common in my pregnancies) along with my ailing children. With barely any social interaction I start to get really cranky and irritable. Fun and games!
The house obviously goes to the pits. The laundry is the size of Mt Kosciusko and the folding is Mt Everest. There are dirty dishes a pile high and I am really wishing they'd hurry up and repair the dishwasher (yes, I rent). I have no interest in cooking tea and what I would really like to do is curl up in bed, read a good book (if I'm not too tired) and sleep - definitely sleep. But hey, at least I have good support once he's home from work. He comes in with his sleeves rolled up, ready to go. THE biggest blessing in my life - my husband. Did I always see him in that light - no - but I guess that was the beauty that resulted in the dark years of standing by a postnatally depressed woman.
We plan a weekend away at a spa resort for my 30th birthday. The kids seem to get worse leading up to it but we hold to the hope. Unfortunately, our babysitter pulls out and then my husband, Andrew gets what the kids have. We cancel the trip away and I am devastated... it was the ONE good thing that helped me get through the endless hours of coughing, sniffing, vomiting and crying. He's down and out and I haven't been right for months due to the pregnancy so we're all feeling a little down. It's times like these we wished we had family close by.
As you can see, I am worried that it may trigger another depressive episode. Stress, lack of support, loneliness and bad health can lead me back down that path quite easily. But I can recognise it now and I step back, trying to figure out how I can turn it around, make it a positive. It's not always easy and when you still have your wits you can think logically about these things but once the grip of depression takes hold, it's hard to make sense of anything, especially yourself. So to be safe, so that I don't lose my head and almost my marriage and family all over again, I talk to the midwives and decide to talk to my obstetrician about getting a referral to a psychologist, just to keep an eye on me. Initially I went through the public system and received counselling and group therapy which helped pull me through but I have a feeling I will get better care this time around and I am wiser for it. One thing is I am not certain of myself and my ability to cope but I am certain I have the will to fight for my right to be happy and enjoy my family and I am also certain I have a man who will stand by me.
The house obviously goes to the pits. The laundry is the size of Mt Kosciusko and the folding is Mt Everest. There are dirty dishes a pile high and I am really wishing they'd hurry up and repair the dishwasher (yes, I rent). I have no interest in cooking tea and what I would really like to do is curl up in bed, read a good book (if I'm not too tired) and sleep - definitely sleep. But hey, at least I have good support once he's home from work. He comes in with his sleeves rolled up, ready to go. THE biggest blessing in my life - my husband. Did I always see him in that light - no - but I guess that was the beauty that resulted in the dark years of standing by a postnatally depressed woman.
We plan a weekend away at a spa resort for my 30th birthday. The kids seem to get worse leading up to it but we hold to the hope. Unfortunately, our babysitter pulls out and then my husband, Andrew gets what the kids have. We cancel the trip away and I am devastated... it was the ONE good thing that helped me get through the endless hours of coughing, sniffing, vomiting and crying. He's down and out and I haven't been right for months due to the pregnancy so we're all feeling a little down. It's times like these we wished we had family close by.
As you can see, I am worried that it may trigger another depressive episode. Stress, lack of support, loneliness and bad health can lead me back down that path quite easily. But I can recognise it now and I step back, trying to figure out how I can turn it around, make it a positive. It's not always easy and when you still have your wits you can think logically about these things but once the grip of depression takes hold, it's hard to make sense of anything, especially yourself. So to be safe, so that I don't lose my head and almost my marriage and family all over again, I talk to the midwives and decide to talk to my obstetrician about getting a referral to a psychologist, just to keep an eye on me. Initially I went through the public system and received counselling and group therapy which helped pull me through but I have a feeling I will get better care this time around and I am wiser for it. One thing is I am not certain of myself and my ability to cope but I am certain I have the will to fight for my right to be happy and enjoy my family and I am also certain I have a man who will stand by me.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
TO ME ART IS ...
... an outlet! It helps me release the emotions that I feel so passionately. Sometimes words don't do it justice or have the desired impact. It helps me express my views which are difficult to articulate in words. Art is therapy for me. It's a challenge, with each process, each layer an accomplisment, a piece to the puzzle that eventually makes a whole. Seeing something I've created come together bit by bit is rewarding. It's kind of like motherhood. At times, the satisfaction isn't there until the last stroke. It is a journey of discovery, especially self-discovery. With this in mind, art can also be very confronting, especially when my emotions are violent or severe. I suffered from post-natal depression for 2 years and this picture was an expression of that. Unless you've experienced it yourself, there is no way of really explaining it. I think this picture does it justice ...
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